Independent Play: Practical Strategies for Simplifying Play
Episode 40: Independent Play: Practical Strategies for Simplifying Play with Lizzie Assa @theworkspaceforchildren
Should parents play with their children? Or should children only playing independently? Independent Play is such a polarizing topic! That’s why this week, Rachael and Lizzie Assa, founder of the Workspace for Children, talk all about the importance of play for children and how parents can foster the desire for a healthy balance between playing with children and encouraging independent play.
Here’s what they discuss inside this helpful episode:
the benefits of independent play, starting from birth!
HOW to begin fostering independent play skills
the latest debate on social media: Should we play with our kids or not!?
practical strategies for parents to create a conducive environment for play
independent play is not about specific toys or aesthetics, but about understanding and connecting with each child's unique personality and interests
the fear and guilt that parents can feel when their children are playing independently
how parents can reduce “I’m bored!” pushback and avoid burnout
Tips for using independent play to have a “quiet time” once your child stops napping
And so much more!
Lizzie is the founder of The Workspace for Children, and has become a go-to strategist for parents seeking guidance in fostering independent play for their children. With a Master’s in early childhood education and a passion for simplicity and consistency in play, she offers practical solutions to avoid burnout and promote healthy development. Lizzie's insights have been featured on The Good Inside Podcast, Parent's Magazine, NY Times Parenting, Time, and The Wall Street Journal. She is set to release her forthcoming book, "But I'm Bored!": The Complete Guide to Independent Play for Kids Ages 1-8, which promises to revolutionize the way parents approach their children's playtime.
Mentioned in this episode:
Lizzie’s Audio Course and Companion Workbook: https://twfc.kartra.com/page/sales
Lizzie’s Instagram: @theworkspaceforchildren
Lizzie’s website: https://www.workspaceforchildren.com/
If you enjoyed this episode, please rate 5⭐️ and write us a review! ⬇️
✨For sleep support and resources, visit heysleepybaby.com and follow @heysleepybaby on Instagram! 😴☁️🤎✨
Rachael is a mom of 3, founder of Hey, Sleepy Baby, and the host of this podcast.
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Listen to the full episode
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Welcome back to No One Told Us, the podcast that tells the truth about parenting and talks about all the stuff you wish you knew before having kids. I'm your host, Rachel Shepard-Ohta, and today I'm speaking with Lizzie Assa.
Lizzie is the founder of the Workspace for Children and has become a go -to strategist for parents seeking outside guidance in fostering independent play for their children. With a master's in early childhood education and a passion for simplicity and consistency in play, she offers practical solutions to avoid burnout and to promote healthy development. Lizzie's insights have been featured on the Good Inside podcast and in Parents magazine, New York Times Parenting, Time and The Wall Street Journal, and she is set to release a forthcoming book, but I'm bored! The Complete Guide to Independent Play for Kids, age 1 -8, which promises to revolutionize the way parents approach playtime with their children. So thank you so much for being here, Lizzie. I was just telling you before we started recording that you were one of the first like parenting accounts that I ever followed back when I became a mom because I'm an educator as well. And I just really like vibed with your style. And so it's really fun to be able to talk to you now all these years later. So thanks so much for joining.
Yeah, I'm so excited to be here.
So let's just kind of dive right in because for some reason, even though I'm... a sleep account, um, I get questions about this all the time, I think probably because there's so much thrown at parents on this topic of independent play right now. And for some reason it has become like polarizing and there's these two camps almost that have formed of like, you should play with your kids, no, you shouldn't play with your kids, you'll damage them forever. But I think most parents just want what's best and they want like a healthy balance, right? Like they want to be able to play with their kids when it feels good and fun, but they also really want their kids to play independently so that they can get stuff done and they're not getting sucked in to pretend to play for four hours every day or feeling guilty when their kids are playing by themselves. So what do you have to say about that? Why do you think all of this like contentiousness come out, especially on social media, regarding play? Something that should not be so charged?
That's such a great question. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that so many people are talking about play, specifically independent play. It's so important for, not only for kids, but it's so important for parents in reducing burnout. It's everything. But I think right now it's so huge because we live in a world of click bait right? And so it's like, do not do this or you're going to ruin your kid forever. And it's the same thing with, you know, sleep or feeding or any of those really important ways that we nurture our children. It's so scary if you think you're doing it wrong, you know?
And so it is really my mission to help parents understand that independent play and play in general is really not about like wooden toys and an aesthetic.
playroom and crafts from Pinterest. It's really about finding that balance, learning to connect with who your child really is. I mean, I know you talk so much about attachment and I think independent play is actually very much rooted in that as well, right?
Yes. When our kids feel so securely attached to us, they don't have to use their energy, thinking about like, where's mom? What’s happening? And they can really delve into this world of independent play, right? So I think that, you know, hot topic, clickbait, but there's a lot we can take from that, right? I think there's a lot we can take from both camps.
I agree. And I think, like you said, from both whatever side of the argument, or it's so ridiculous that it's even an argument, but regardless of your stance on it, I do agree that there are things that you can take from both sides, like nothing in parenting is like black and white, right? There's nothing that is just 100 % right or wrong, very rarely, right? I'm curious to hear a little bit about your story. I know you have a background in education, but can you tell me a little bit about your own kids and like were they kind of the inspiration behind starting this page? What kind of made you feel called to start sharing this stuff online?
Yeah, I love sharing this because a lot of people don't know this, but if you scroll all the way back in my feed to like a really long time ago, I started the WorkSuites for Children as an actual little play studio in my basement when my youngest, who's now 11, was one. And the idea behind that was really showing parents. I wanted to show parents and caregivers that their kids were capable of really productive play, if the adult or the caregiver could carve out the time, space, and materials. And so small groups of caregivers and young children would come to my basement studio and just play. And I would sort of like, you know, we'd kind of have coffee and talk about development and what the kids were doing.
And I would help them, like, when they parents started to intervene and entertain their child or feel like they needed to play with their child or micromanage something. I was kind of there to help them be like, wait, hang on, like, let's see what happens. Like, let's see how they work this out. And I started actually just taking pictures and blogging a little bit about the work we were doing. And it really, really sparked an interest in people. And that's how the Workspace for Children actually started.
Amazing. So I'm sure you get this question all the time, are your kids perfect players? Have they always been perfect players? I know you just mentioned a term called productive play. So I'd also love for you to kind of dive into what that means.
Sure. No. So my oldest was like, one of those kids that just was really naturally drawn to independent play. And so I was like, oh, I'm so good at this. I know exactly what to do for kids to play independently. I like-- you know, but really it was like his temperament. And yes, there were things I was doing to encourage and help him with his play. But it's true that some kids play independently more easily than others.
And so then my second was born in like in true middle fashion. She was like, I'm going to blow you right out of the water. Like you think you know, you don't know anything. You know, take your masters in early childhood and put it somewhere else like you haven't met me yet and so then I had to really be like hmm okay like how can we also do this for her and so it really helps me understand that it wasn't you know my oldest he loved trucks he loved books he loved building and my middle loved art and she loved playing with dolls and she loved you know, that kind of stuff.
So I had to really kind of take what we knew about independent play and change it to fit her personality and her development. And that's when I really had this kind of aha moment about that like play independent play is not one size fits all. All kids can do it, but it doesn't the, you know, there's no prescription for like this works for all kids. It's really about understanding. your child is. What do you know about them?
And parents know everything about their kids, right? I really believe that you are the expert on your child. You can take what you hear from your pediatrician and the internet and the experts, you know, and use what aligns, right? But you are the person who knows the most about your kid. And so this is to me is really about helping parents build confidence in what they know about their children to make really simple changes in their daily routines to carve out time and space for play. Because when kids can practice playing, they get really good at it. And unfortunately, they don't have a lot of time to practice playing.
Yeah, that's so true. So what would you say? I mean, most of my audience, I feel like has little kids and babies. And so there's this, there's just so many misconceptions around this, right? They hear independent play and they think that their infant should just be like, chill it on the floor for two hours, entertaining themselves and, you know, they should never have to intervene. So how do we start this? Like how do we start this kind of way of thinking this lifestyle with, you know, babies, maybe like a one year old, like you said your daughter was when you first started. Is it, you know, providing the right toys? Is it having a playroom? Like what do we need to do to kind of foster that independent play?
It's really about taking a pause, truthfully. Like it is about taking a pause and taking a cue, but to be, to give a more practical strategy, I think, you know, even when you have a very little baby, you know, it is ingrained in us, especially as mothers, that like you should be talking to your child all the time…. you should be engaging, you should be teaching them some things… all the time. And that's actually not true.
Kids need time and space to process their world. And that is what they get from play. And even a newborn, even an infant, they need time to process, right? And so that really just means like when you have a brand new baby, like really taking a beat before you run in at that first noise you know really allowing them to stare out the window and look at the branches as they move a little bit without having to say that's a tree- trees are green.
Do less basically is what you're saying. Exactly just do less take a pause do less yeah because then it really builds your confidence as a parent to see like oh wait…. they're actually capable. Oh wait, they're actually okay. And so, and does that mean ignore your child? No, should you be talking in developing language? Of course, but you know, it is that thing where like, like you said earlier, there is a balance and there's so much pressure on us as mothers to be imbalanced and to be constantly giving and it's the opposite.
Yeah, one of the things that always fascinates me when... I talk about this on my page is like, well, I feel so guilty when they're playing alone. Are you saying that it's okay to just like not play with them and it's okay if they're entertaining themselves, it's okay for me to just like do what I need to do. And I'm like, yes, it's absolutely okay. It's actually better for you to just leave them alone and let them be if they're engaged. Do you ever hear this from parents and like what do you tell them about the guilt?
Fear and guilt. fear and guilt are probably two of the biggest things that get in the way of independent play, right? The first one, fear is really about like every time your child's doing something, you know, I should be playing with them, I should be entertaining them. I should be, you know, filling their time with enrichment, right? It's that fear of not doing enough. And then, you know, I have so many parents who I'll either work with one on one or go through my program and they really nail down an amazing independent play routine. And then they feel guilty. And then they're like, wait a second, now I have all this time back. Am I supposed to what, you know, and that's what we really have to dig deep and be like, no, let's go back and actually think about like, what are the benefits of independent play?
Because not only for you, but for your child, it is, you know, for some parents, they need to really dig into that. Like, why is this so good for my child? What are the outcomes? What is the research, right? And it is all signs, right? Point to self -starters, kids who can play independently and come up with their own idea and make a mistake and reiterate their idea and then have it work, right?
Like, when you see your kid able to do that and practice that on a daily basis, you feel really good. as a parent. You know they're going to be okay out in the world, right? And so it's really leaning into that to help with the guilt.
I love that. And can you just talk a little bit about the benefits of independent play because you just mentioned that, you know, there is all of this research and there's so much science and we do know that there are so many benefits, but maybe spelling them out will help some people with the guilt.
Sure. I mean, the benefits are, I mean, through the roof, unbelievable, right? Like, kids who can play independently know how to come up with their own idea, right? And that alone, like, that's what you want, okay? Like, and the other piece of this here is we see this across our social media feeds, especially as mothers- burnout is at an all time high across our nation right? But kids have always known that the answer is play, right? We as adults, we're spending thousands and thousands of dollars on yoga and CBD, and, you know, every other thing- the gym- that can help us reduce our own burnout when really play is the answer.
So if parents can start to ingrain play in their kids as young children and support and develop that Habit for their life. I mean that alone, right? Like there and there is tons of research to back that up like It reduces burnout not only for the adult, but for the child
It's also, you know studies will also show you that households that have children who can play independently have mothers who are less burned out more connected more joyful, and more rooted in being a parent. And I mean, imagine how good you feel when you have that one -off day where you feel like not stressed, not tired. You know, and you're like, yeah. You can feel like that a lot when you have built -in periods of independent play. And you can give back to your child exponentially when you feel like that.
It's so true. My son, my oldest, he was more of like a book kid. So he was obsessed with books when he was a baby. It was our joke that books were his favorite toy. Like he was not even interested in toys like trucks and magna tiles and stuff like that until he was well into toddlerhood. And you know, he was okay at independent play and he went to daycare. So we knew he played there, but he did always kind of walk like us to join in and so we had to really work hard to hold that boundary and to like let go of that guilt but then when he was about five, he's six and a half now, when he was about five he got into Legos we have like this whole journey with him he went to OT for a long time and like so anyway… finally he was able to like really do this by himself and it was like a whole new world for us because he would sit at the table and do Legos for like hours. Like he would spend two hours on a Lego set without talking to us, asking us for anything. Like it was unreal.
And of course we had two younger kids by this point. So we still have them to deal with. But I was like, oh my gosh, this is what people have been talking about. Like we could just, you know, do anything we want right now while he's occupied with his Legos.
And so sometimes I tell parents like, it's also sometimes about your kid just kind of finding their thing. But you have to give them the time and space to find their thing that they're going to be so super engaged with and that they're going to totally lose themselves in that world, right? So how can we as parents kind of know the right toys, the right materials? How do we know that what we're setting up is going to be engaging and interesting to our child so that they will want to play?
Yeah. I want to go back for one second, though, because I think you said something so interesting about your son, which is that you had this journey with OT before he got really involved in playing, right? And so we actually just launched this free play quiz to help people, parents understand their child's play personalities so that they can set it up, set up their space or their toys or whatever it is to really match where their child is at developmentally.
And I think, you know, I wonder how much like the OT really helped him be able to then, you know, do the Lego, do, you know, sit at the table, be able to focus, you know, all those things. And something you can do as a parent is really think about like, what is my child's personality? Like do they run into the room like with like big arms and big movements and like knock things over because a lot of kids are like that, right? And if that's what your child's like, then sending them into a playroom with little tiny figurines and very dainty magnetic tiles, like, is not going to get them playing independently.
No, exactly. But if you then think about who your child is and you think, okay, like, I'm going to put, like, bigger cardboard blocks because they're going to knock down the magnetic tiles and that's going to feel too frustrating. And I am going to put larger trucks instead of tiny vehicles. You know, things like that make a massive difference because it eliminates the barrier to your child’s Play. It just kind of paves the road to make it easier for them to start.
You know, the other thing is too that I think it's less about the actual toys, I think, and more about like, you know, instead of telling you what specific toys to get, I really love to say like, go in the area where your child plays. First, I wanna know, is that near, is that in your main living space? 'Cause if it's not,
put it in your main living space. Your kids wanna be where we are. And again, this goes back to attachment. When your kids have a line of vision to you and they can see you and feel secure, they can put their energy into playing.
If you are sending them off to a faraway playroom in another part of the house, it's not gonna happen until they are so much older, right? And so that's number one. Number two, I know a lot of people have these beautiful... playrooms that have these closed bins. Your kid doesn't know what's in those bins. And by the time they get to them, especially if they're a toddler, they're going to pull them down and dump them. Because that's how they're developmentally driven.. That's the play. Yeah, that's the-- And then you're frustrated, and you're mad, and you end up with a mess, right? Right.
So instead, I want you to think about, where is a child playing? And look at that space. Does it reflect? my specific child's interests and skills? We want to make this easy for them. Play is supposed to be fun. Right? It's supposed to be fun. If they have to first open a container, unwrap a thing, bring it to the table, set it up. By then, they're like, I don't even want to do this anymore. They have really short attention spans. They just used up their whole attention span and I'm trying to get to the play. Right? like
And it's teaching them that they do need you because if they need you to open the thing or take the thing down, it's teaching them, oh, I need mommy for playtime instead of empowering them to do and get for themselves. We're going to take one quick break and then I want to come back and talk about some more of the barriers to play.
Okay, we're back with Lizzie from the Workspace for Children and we were just kind of chatting about barriers to play and I love that you talk about like the physical barriers in the play space, but also you just mentioned something super key and important that I think a lot of people leave out of this conversation is that our kids all have different abilities and disabilities, right? So there cannot be a one -size -fits -all approach to play. We really need to think about how we're setting up the physical environment, the types of materials that our child has access to. Can they actually use those things independently, right? Because if not, then it's not going to be, independent play is just not going to happen. So what else do you think that we can do as parents?
And is it something they want to play with independently? - Right, is it motivating? Yeah. Right, like is this fun for them? You know, that's the really great starter question, right? Is this fun for them? Because I think as parents, it's really drilled to us, like no, no, no, no, this toy should be teaching them in their numbers, their letters, working on their fine motor, first and foremost. But really, it should be fun first and foremost. Those other things come naturally through play. Your child will seek out to develop the skills that they need. They will, right?
And so if you can get them really into play, the other stuff is going to come. We really want, I mean, I often will say to parents too, like, this is another huge barrier, right? We if we want play to become the default behavior of our kids, right? And I really think that's, that's the goal here, right? Is the default behavior is not to grab the remote, or to say mommy play with me or to come say like, take me to target, you know, as they get older, but the play is really for them to look internally, we want to look at the space,right? So like, when they, when they, your main living space, what's more accessible to them, their remote control, in the iPad or the shelf low down with toys they're really interested in.
What are you talking to them more about? Their favorite show and the things you're trying to drill into them to learn or are you building up their confidence as someone who has really good ideas?Are you building up their confidence to like, tell me more about what you were doing before or I saw you working with those kids? and I didn't wanna interrupt you, but I'm so curious about that.
You know, we want them to know that we really value them as kids who can play. And the more you can do that, you will see their independent play explode because they see themselves as capable.
Yes. So if a kid comes to you and says I'm bored, title of your book, what should we do? What should we say? Or should we just say what my parents said and like, that's not my problem, go play.
Totally. And I think, you know, there's a little bit of a break between like, you know, that 80s, 90s parenting of like, well, it's not my problem.
Yeah. You know, kicking it out the door, which is, you know, how we were raised and how I was raised, you know, and then to, there's the big gap right between that and, okay what can I do? what can I sign you up for ? should I turn on the show should I set up a project for you wait I bought this new toy let's take it out and do it together right. There's a balance there's a middle ground right and so my first instinct to kids when they're bored is to show them like I am so unafraid of your boredom you don't need to be afraid of it either.
Like you know so it's really like I'm bored you are, huh. And again, that pause, just like you're bored, the same as they were like, I'm tired, or I'm whatever it is, or I'm feeling wild. It's just another feeling, like that's okay. And I think a lot of people want to jump in and be like, well, what should I do? Should I give them activities? Should I give them ideas? Should I shut them down and push them away so they figure it out? It's kind of none of those things. It's really just about being able to. say like, oh, you are. Oh, that's so interesting. You know, now some kids, especially kids that aren't necessarily neurotypical, they are going to need more than that, right?
And so I want to take a strengths based approach for kids and say like, you know, I'm remembering last week when you were bored and you ended up doing XYZ. You wonder if it's if you're gonna do that again, or if you're gonna do something new. But wait, don't tell me, because right away, your kid wants to have an answer, right? They want, you know, they wanna be like, no, no, you know.
So you can kind of save that off by being like, wait, wait, wait, don't tell me, 'cause they know, like, you'll figure this out. I'm just so curious, like I'm just wondering, you know. So it kind of just, it puts it back in their court, but in a very non -confrontation way.
I love that. And I can so picture that working so perfectly with my six -year -old because he is like a little contrarian and he loves to like be like, no. So I think that's a brilliant idea. And also sometimes just giving a choice and saying, oh, I know you have like your magna tiles available right now and you also have your art supplies out. So I wonder which one you're gonna choose or something like that. We don't need to over complicate.
And you know, a lot of times your kids are gonna come back and be like, "neither." don't want either." You know, and then, "Okay, then you can choose to be bored." Right. - That's totally fine. And I know, you know, for some parents they get really worried but if they're bored, then they're being destructive or if they're bored, they're gonna get so out of control. And that's true, right? For a lot of people, but a lot of times that's reflective of our feelings of out of control, right?
Like, we feel anxious and nervous. when they are not occupied, they feed off that from us and then they act that out, right? So when you can be really safe and secure, even with the like, you can be bored and that's okay. And I'm not gonna let you jump off the couch. So again, magna tiles are open, coloring is open, laying on the floor and saying, "I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored," is open. And you know, whatever you feel like doing is totally fine. I'm not going to let you, you know, rip the books off the shelf that I'm not going to allow. So really setting those boundaries confidently.
I love that. Do you have any ideas too? Because I know it's like spring, summer time. So what are some ideas for things that people can do to get outside? Like, do the same principles apply to playing outside as they do inside? Or what should we be thinking about?
Yes, and it's even like it's so exciting and even better. right? Because like when you can get outside, you know, you can take the walls away, it is amazing. But again, that fear factor comes in for parents a lot. They're really worried their kid's gonna get hurt. They're really used to micromanaging their child's time outside. And so when your child gets outside, they're automatically looking to you to like, where are you taking me? Are we going to the park? Are we riding bikes? And you're gonna be like holding the bike and watching me every second?
So again, we want to think about like, what are their interests? What's their developmental level? Like, what skills are they building? Right? And so, you know, what can I have outside that they can use independently that I'm not going to be afraid of that's going to make me feel confident so that I can build from there. They feed on your confidence. Right?
So, you know, it's always I'm always going to tell kids, especially preschoolers up to grade schoolers, scooter washing, bike washing, you know, literally all you need is a bucket of soapy water and then like whatever thing they have outside that will occupy kids for ever. Chalk, any kind of chalk, add water. I mean, just add water to anything basically outside. Chalk and water and rocks, let them mash up the chalk, let them let you don't have to teach them how to make chalk paint. You don't have to make this beautiful aesthetic drawing on your driveway with a beautiful array of chalk paint you can, but they can actually make chalk paint if you give them just some water and chalk and they'll be so into it and they will get so dirty and work on it.
Even for very little babies, it's really going to be about like setting them down in the grass and taking the pause… watching, see it from their view, start to build your own confidence as a parent in your child's ability to play outside without you micromanaging it. So observe, observe as much as you can.
I love that. That's such good advice. And I think as parents, you're right, we do get kind of caught up in like, what should I be doing right now? Like, how can I make this even more enriching? How can I make this even more? And really, it's just like do less. But then there are those times like yesterday, I was working the whole weekend. So I had like a special day with my daughter yesterday and we were coming home and she really wanted to play restaurant and she really wanted me to be the customer.
And I was like, okay, sure, I would love to be your customer. And it was actually really fun and really connecting. She does not expect me to do that all the time. But it felt like a time where I could say yes and I wouldn't be resentful and I wouldn't be, you know, counting down the minutes myself to when I could be done playing with her. So it felt like a good time for me to say yes. So what do you think about sometimes playing with your kids? Because I know there are those people who are very extreme and say we should never be playing with our kids. It's interfering with them. They don't need it. They shouldn't ever need it. What are your thoughts on that?
I think what you said nailed it on the head, right? It's a way of connecting and there's never a never in parenting, first of all, first and foremost. But I think what you did is exactly right. Sure, right now, am I able to pay attention and truly connect and be part of the game? If the answer is yes, then go for it. You don't wanna make that like a habit so your kid doesn't expect that all the time. And it's really okay to say to them, yes, right? Sometimes I say yes, and sometimes I say no. And this time, I'm saying yes. It doesn't have to always be the same thing of always say no, or always do it. It's perfectly OK. And I want to give you a tip, too. When you are playing with your child, think of yourself as someone who is the follower, not the leader. right?
So you just want to take your role as not the entertainer or the leader of the play, but instead, you want to be reflective. So she says to you, like, come to my restaurant. You sit here. You know, instead of saying, like, oh, I'll sit here. And I love this tablecloth. I'm like, should I order? You know, instead, just say, oh, OK, I should sit here. You know, just reflect back what they're saying, because then you're going to follow their ideas.
So often that adults unknowingly take over the play and that makes sense, right? Like we don't, we won't play anymore in that childhood way, right? And so it gets exciting, it turns into entertainment. And to be honest, there's nothing wrong with that either. Like it's okay to entertain your kids sometimes.
Right. - But you know, but as like a rule of thumb, if you are playing with your kid and they're younger, or if this is something they struggle with, really try to use that reflective technique of like, mommy, play dinosaur with me. Play dinosaurs with me. Okay, you know, sit down and just do what they do. Don't start making the dinosaur roar or build a building or do XYZ because that's your concept of what dinosaurs do. Instead, watch what their concept is and just mimic it.
Mm -hmm, I love that. does love us to play dinosaurs with him like when he chooses something to play with mom and dad and he is very good about being director and he tells us exactly what to say, exactly how to move the dinosaurs. We're like, it's very easy for us to play with him actually because we don't have to think. So those are really good tips. So thank you so much. We are going to be right back and when we come back, I just want to quickly talk a little bit about quiet time because this is another question I get all the time. We'll be right back.
Okay, so we're back with Lizzie from the Workspace for Children, and one thing that can be really hard for parents when we're talking about this topic of independent play is quiet time. And so I talk about quiet time a lot, obviously, because I have a sleep page and some toddlers and preschoolers when they phase out of taking a nap it's really nice for them to introduce a quiet time and we've done it at our house but a lot of parents really struggle especially if independent play is not the norm in their house so they really struggle with like how do I not use screen time for two hours in the middle of the day for a rest because you know I have a baby I have to put down and I need to occupy my toddler or preschooler so what do you think about quiet time do you have any tips for how to implement a solid quiet time that is actually playing?
I have tons of tips about quiet time. It is my, you know, kind of what I think about and talk about and teach about all the time. But, you know, like you said, yes, that transition from nap time to quiet time is kind of one of the most natural parts, right, to introduce it. And listen, I am not anti -screen. And so I will also say to you, like, use quiet time during your other kid's naps or during that midday time. So you can save screen time for later. It doesn't have to be-- Save it for when you're desperate.
Yes. Or put it in the routine somewhere else to build in another break. But quiet time is really that thing where everyone gets a midday reset. And it's not something to-- feel guilty about, right? So as kids start to drop the nap, I want parents to do two things. One, I want them to really double down on independent play throughout the day. Small periods of just practicing independent play throughout the day.
Anytime you see your kid, especially if you have a kid who is super, super attached to you and is a hard time separating, say to them, like anytime you see them do anything independent or anytime they didn't follow you out of the room when you went out of the room, say that to them. Like, oh, wow, you are really growing up. You used to follow me every time I went to the laundry room, you were worried about staying in the TV room without me. And now you know how, you know, again, just really building that confidence in themselves as kids who could do things independently.
So double down on independent play throughout the day. And one way you can do that is by bringing their favorite toys and items and strew them around your house intentionally. So keep a small basket of toys in your bathroom where you're blowing out your hair or showering. Let that-- you know they're following you in there anyway. Oh, yeah, of course. So they might as well start playing.
Keep some in the kitchen drawer. You know, wherever it is that you are- make it really easy for them to practice playing so that when you have quiet time, they're already really good at it, you know. The other thing I love to say to parents and children is, you're really growing up and your body doesn't need to nap every single day like it used to, and you get to decide. Like you, if that's how you're doing it. You get to decide if you are going to fall asleep. but maybe your body doesn't feel tired today, so it's okay with me if you play.
Set up a safe space, make sure you feel totally comfortable. You probably have a video monitor, that helps a lot. And when you see them playing independently during quiet time, really connect with them after. I like to call it closing the loop. Later on, when you reconnect together, say, "I'm really interested." in what you worked on during your quiet time. That's something that's so special to them that the babies didn't get to do because they were napping.
But you were doing your really important work. So can you tell me a little bit more about that? What do you think you're gonna do tomorrow during quiet time? You know, sort of like setting that up. The other thing is, that I think is game changer in setting up a quiet time routine is keeping it successful. So ending it on a high note, don’t keep trying to push the limits of like, let me just do like three more things and then I'll go get him. Don't do that.
When you see them quite go in and be like, oh my gosh, you've been playing. Do you want five more minutes? It's really time for quiet time to be over, but if you really want to, I can give you five more minutes. You know, it's like that thing of really giving them back the power and making them feel really in charge. You know, if you really want to, I can give you five more minutes. You know, if you really want to, I can give you five more minutes. You know, if you really want to, I can give you five more minutes.
Don't drag it out for, you know, to have them just be in their room for an hour for some reason, because you think it has to be an hour, right? And then maybe you can work up to that, but yeah.
Right, like independent play is a skill. Well, it takes time. develop. They need to build the muscle. They need to come out a lot of times to check that you're going to send them back, right? So like that's the other thing too. You can even say like you know your kid best and if you have one of those kids that is going to come out just to like check if you mean what you say. You can even say to them before like quiet time is so new. So you're probably going to come out and be like mom is it still quiet time or mommy play with me?
And when you do that, I'm gonna say, oh, you forgot, it's still quiet time. That's okay, you can go back to your room. Instead of being like mindset of being like, oh, I knew they couldn't do it. Go back to your room, it's quiet time. There's a huge difference between those two things.
Yeah, oh my gosh. And just setting up the realistic expectation in your mind that this might look like it's failing before it is successful and I need to be ready for that and ready to support that instead of getting mad that they don't know how to do this thing that they've never done before.
And remembering too that play looks different for all kids, right? So some kids during quiet time might set themselves up with their dolls or build these like magnificent structures. Some kids might lay on their bed and sing and zone out and imagine things in their head. All of those things are play. So don't look on the video monitor and be like, but they're not playing. Forget it, I shouldn't be doing this. They're not doing it right. Remind yourself that play looks so different for different kids.
It's so true. What do you think is a realistic expectation for the amount of time? Because there's also all of these claims on social media that kids should be able to play for six hours at a time and all these crazy things exactly or with their like sticks and mud. So what is a realistic expectation when you're first starting out or with a really little kid? How long should they actually be able to play on their own without coming to us?
It really depends on your kid and again I would love to give you like a prescriptive answer but again I think this is also like sleep like how many times should my baby wake up? Well like I don't know because that really depends on your baby.
Totally! totally. I think what I can say as a rule of thumb is keep it short, lower your expectations, and then lower them again. Yes, just like a sleep. And just build on your successes, expect setbacks, and know that you can always start over wherever you are. A lot of people will get into a quiet time routine, and then there's a new baby, and they're like, oh, I can't wait to wake up. iPad," which is totally fine. Or they went on vacation or kids were sick or whatever it is, like you can always start over and like any other skill that your kid is learning, it's going to take less time to get back into the groove, right? But they're going to push back, that's their job.
You know you're doing a good job and they're doing a good job when they test your boundaries. For sure-. And I think, yeah, today's parents, I think, I mean, myself included, like we don't wanna hear the whining, we don't wanna hear the crying, we would so much rather just give in. And that is our muscle that we have to kind of work through. And it's like, I think it's hard too because I talk all about responsiveness and like going to your baby when they cry and supporting them. And I think sometimes people misconstrue that as meaning like babies should never cry or every time they're crying, it means I have to jump in and fix it. And it's so not that. And it also depends on their developmental stage and their age and all of that stuff.
Totally. - So yeah, it's complex, but it's not, right? It's-- - Right. - Yeah. - Like when you start to overthink it, again, take that pause and be like, actually like, let's just try spaghetti at the wall right now. And then I can think about it starting on tomorrow.
Exactly. Lizzie, I feel like we could talk about this all day long. It's such a fascinating topic for me. I love talking about play. I appreciate your page and your just like no guilt approach so much. Where can people that want to learn more about this? 'Cause you have so many resources and so much amazing content. Where can people find you and learn more about how to do this?
Yeah, so I'm on Instagram at the workspace for children. You can also find me on my website. We have tons of free resources. Again, we just launched this really cool play personality quiz that I think will help you actually get started today. And it's not rocket science. It's like those things where you're like, Oh, duh, I know that about my kid. Let me do it right now. Right? Yeah. Just start where you are. Yes, I love that. And you have an audio course, right? What's that one? with a companion workbook?
I have an audio course with a companion workbook which really teaches you how to understand who your child is, who they are as a child who plays and learns, and how to plug that in to a quiet time and independent play routine that is for the entire family.
Okay, amazing. And I believe you said that you could create a code for us. So I will put that in the show notes too for anybody who wants to grab that. And I love that it's flexible. It's not one -size -fits -all. It really is just totally focused on your unique child, which I am all about. And I love that so much.
My favorite part is the workbook, because the workbook is what helps you customize the information that you're learning to meet your child where they are in this very moment.
Amazing. And then the last question I have that I try to ask everybody is, what is one thing that no one told you before becoming a parent that you wish you had known?
Oh, that's a good one. That even if you think you have everything figured out, it's going to change again. So you're always learning. You will always be learning.
It's so true. These kids humble us, don't they?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Now I have teenagers. Only level of humbling.
Oh my gosh, I cannot even... imagine my husband and I were just talking about that yesterday, like, oh, won't it be so fun when they're teenagers? And he was like, wait, what?
It is, it is, but it's also extremely humbling. - Yeah, I'm sure. Well, it's been so cool to talk with you about all of this stuff, you know, especially since I've been following you for so long. So thank you for being so lovely and for joining us today. And I hope you have a great rest of your day.
Thank you, you too.
