In-Laws and Tricky Relationship Changes After Baby
Episode 61: In-Laws and Tricky Relationship Changes After Baby with Dr. Tracy Dalgleish @drtracyd
Have you ever found yourself navigating a tricky situation with your in-laws? In this conversation, Rachael interviews Dr. Tracy, a psychologist and couples therapist, all about the topic of in-laws and how they can affect relationships with significant others. Dr. Tracy provides lots of tips for communication and speaking up in uncomfortable situations and how to handle challenging family dynamics with respect.
Inside this episode:
How in-law and family dynamics impact relationships
How to set and enforce healthy boundaries with in-laws and parents
The difference between requests vs. boundaries
Navigating relationship challenges as new parents
How to handle relationships with toxic family members and the option of going no contact
Help finding ways to nurture the connection with your partner
The power in trusting yourself and tuning out outside advice
And so much more!
Mentioned in this episode:
Dr. Tracy’s website: https://www.drtracyd.com/
Dr. Tracy’s podcast: I’m Not Your Shrink
Dr. Tracy’s instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drtracyd/?hl=en
Dr. Tracy’s Book: I Didn’t Sign Up for This
If you enjoyed this episode, please rate 5⭐️ and write us a review! ⬇️
✨For sleep support and resources, visit heysleepybaby.com and follow @heysleepybaby on Instagram! 😴☁️🤎✨
Rachael is a mom of 3, founder of Hey, Sleepy Baby, and the host of this podcast.
Listen to the full episode
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Welcome to No One Told Us, the podcast that tells the truth about parenting and
talks about all the stuff you wish you knew before having kids. I'm your host,
Rachael, and today I'm speaking with my friend Dr. Tracy, a psychologist and couples
therapist in Ottawa, Canada. For nearly two decades, she's provided psychotherapy as
well as researching, writing, speaking about relationships on social media. And she's
currently writing her second book, which I'm so excited about. Dr. Tracy makes
clinical knowledge and research accessible to people through her contributions to her
popular media sites, sites like Times, Forbes, and Motherly.
And she's the author of her debut book, "I Didn't Sign Up for This," a couple's therapist shares real life stories of breaking patterns and finding joy in relationships, including her own. She
also has a great podcast herself called I'm not your shrink. And she does, you know, various webinars, trainings, and corporate wellness seminars. She does so many things. I don't know how you have time for all of this, but you are absolutely amazing. And today we've spoken about relationships many times before, but today I'm really excited to dive into a topic that I haven't explored on this podcast yet, which is in laws, parents, parents and all of those boundaries and how it affects your relationship with your significant other. So welcome to the podcast. I'm so excited to talk to you today.
Thank you, Rachael. And thank you so much for holding this community and all of the support that you give to parents and to mothers in the season. You know, I remember first becoming a mother and there wasn't this level of resource available at the and I clung on to my Facebook group. We had a group of mothers who all had a child in the same age and are the same week, rather. And gosh, that community and connection is so important. So I'm
grateful for all that you do for parents. So thank you. Thank you for having me here.
Thank you for that. Yeah, it's so important to talk about these things. And one thing that I do love so much about my community is just the conversations I have with other moms and lots of times they're about sleep, of course, but lots of times they're not. That is kind of what led me to reaching out and to asking you to be on the podcast to talk about this particular topic because it is something that comes up every single time I do a question box on Instagram or,
you know, open a discussion about relationships in some way, shape, or form. It always kind of goes into, okay, well, what about my in -laws? What about my parents?
Because like, I thought my partner and I were on the same page. We were really excited to have a baby. And now that baby's here, everything's different. And we're dealing with all of these family pressures. I'm sure you see this so much. Can you tell us a little bit about how, I mean, I know that the new book is going to be on this topic too. So first, I'd love to hear your clinical experience and working with couples dealing with these types of issues just broadly and then what tipped the scale for you deciding to write the next book on this particular topic?
Yeah, so couples tend to come in arguing about one of the most common topics and the
topics are sex, kids, finances, in-laws and it's often not the thing that we're arguing about, although that needs to be problem solved, but when I'm working with couples I'm looking for what's going on underneath those common fights, which is do you see me? Do I matter? Am I enough for you? Am I adequate? And we aren't trained. We're not taught how to have these types of conversations to really touch on some of these harder feelings. And so there's this really interesting tipping point for couples when big events happen.
And we see this particularly around the wedding or around having a baby. And that is that everybody comes together with these implicit expectations that they hold, these maybe even values or norms that they have from their own families and especially the dynamics that exist between family members, so between your husband or your partner and their family, between you and your family and then you bring in this baby and everything just kind of goes off the wall and we don't know what we don't know so being able to talk about it
ahead of time is often where we fall short in navigating this and I think the tipping point in terms of creating this resource is that I kept thinking with my clients both with couples who see me around dealing with in -laws but also with individuals.
So I'll often see men who are dealing with their parents trying to set boundaries, or I also see women who are dealing with difficult in -laws, or maybe even doing their own healing with their family. And the tipping point really was, I didn't have a resource to recommend, and it's such an interesting dynamic that happens when you look at who you are, who your husband is, and who your mother -in -law is. And so the title of my book is actually You, Your Husband, and His Mother. And a lot of people come to me saying, but is it really just the mother -in -law? Is it just her mother -in -law? Like what about the son and your mom? And when we look at some of the research, we see that men report less conflict with their mother -in -law compared to women with their mother -in -law.
That's so interesting. And I'm also curious about like same -sex couples if those dynamics are at play as well. So I'm really excited for this book to come out. I wish it was coming out like tomorrow. I know it's a long process, but you also share so much free education about this on your page as well and on your podcast.
First, I'd love to just kind of hear your opinion on why you think, like you just mentioned, there's often a negative dynamic between daughter and mother-in-law. Why do you think that is, and what are some of the most common themes that you see for that?
Yeah, it really is bringing two different people together. And I think one of the pieces is that these two people don't really know each other. And there's been so many changes in such a short period of time. And we can often think about someone doing something that is viewed as being generous and caring, but it might not be what the other person wants.
So there's a lot of miscommunication. We can look at some of these dynamics where I commonly talk about this, where a woman, so let's say you feel responsible for having to communicate everything with your mother -in -law and your husband doesn't take on that communication. So then the burden or responsibility lands on you. But then we also then step into this family that had their own dynamic long before you joined and that is really tricky because it's not about you, but yet it feels really personal, especially when it comes to your children and trying to raise your child and then also hoping to have family support.
So you know, one of the biggest things that I look at is, do you as a daughter -in -law, do you feel like you're an insider with your in -law family or do you feel like an outsider? And when you feel like an insider, there's a sense of mutuality, there's a sense of respect. You can talk about hard conversations, but if you feel like an outsider, then there's often more scapegoating. You're blamed for things. You're made out to be the villain. I hear stories every day from women saying, my mother -in -law doesn't want me over or she doesn't wanna see me or she excludes me. And so really then it's this toxic cycle that doesn't create good, healthy family dynamics.
That makes a lot of sense. And do you think too, that there's some element of like a comparison or like, the mother -in -law might feel like she's being replaced in some way, because I hear this a lot. And it's not even just with mother-in-law figures, but also sisters -in -law, where it's like, there's just this constant competition, or feels like constant judgment. And then when you bring a baby into the mix and you might be parenting in some certain type of way that they don't agree with or understand, there can be just a lot of hurt and misunderstanding.
Yeah, and that really comes from a place of insecurity and doubting their own role. And so if you're not someone who can have a solid footing or to even have the emotional awareness to go to your child, your adult child now, right, to go to your adult child and say, "I don't feel
included in some of these things," or "I'm really struggling with my role. Can we talk about what that looks like going forward?" If you're not an emotionally aware person that can do that, well, what do you tend to do?
People tend to do guilt trips, passive aggressive comments. They exclude all of those things.
And so it really does call for us to have these conversations around How do we want to include you in our life? And it's a shifting. So even the example of a sister -in -law, someone feeling threatened that they've lost their importance in the family, let's talk about that because everybody plays an important role. And just because a new baby comes in, doesn't mean you're replaced. It means that things are changing. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.
That's a really good way to look at it. How would you then say you are having these issues with, you know, your mother in law, your sister in law, father in law, whoever it is. Is it on
you to be the one like, you know, I think a lot of times we think, oh, well, I should be direct, I should be the one to say something. But a lot of times, like, it feels like we're just gas lit every time we say something, or we really can't stand up for ourselves because we're in such a fragile state or postpartum or whatever. So do you recommend that we speak up for ourselves or is that really on our partner to speak with his family?
Yeah, I would say it depends on that one. It depends on who your mother -in -law is, it depends on who the other person is. So I typically recommend that the adult child in that family do the communication with their family and that is not to exclude or to separate, but more of the we communication so that your husband goes to his mom and says, we're not able to make it this weekend, we really want to visit, this weekend doesn't work, that kind of
thing. But it depends on the relationship because if you happen to have a good relationship with your mother -in -law, can you then go and say, hey, we're kind of stuck here, can we talk about what happened? Or can we share this kind of wisdom that we have now as parents and the needs and wishes that we have.
And I think, you know, we do want to view them with having positive intentions. They're not out to harm us, most people, but, you know, instead looking at people just really not knowing how to navigate this and how to have these conversations and we can even look at like there's an entire generation of people who don't know how to do this kind of thing. And that's really different for how we as parents today are showing up, which also makes it more exhausting, Rachael, right?
Because I mean, here we are, we're parenting our kids, we're reparenting ourselves, and then we're having to also parent our parents too much. And then you want me to parent my in -laws as well, right? It's just, it's too much. At some point you have to say, I can't, I can't do this all. And so, unfortunately, a lot of this nurturing and community building lands on women,
but I think especially today, and I've seen this change in my practice over the last 20 years, in the sense that women are saying, "No, I cannot navigate all of this. I can't carry this mental load in the same way, and I want something to be different."
So one of those tasks, which often ends up being invisible is birthday cards and responding to group texts and making the plans around the holidays. And they're saying, that's your family. You go and do it with your family and I'll do it with my family.
Yeah. So I'm curious, like non-negotiables. So lots of families go through things like, maybe the in-laws want to be too involved and they're being really overbearing or maybe they're not helping nearly as much as you thought and it's all of these mismatched expectations, right? Or, you know, you're trying to figure out child care with them or something. And those are
maybe like smaller problems to figure out. What are some things that might be non-negotiable or something that couples and parents or in-laws, they're at an impasse and they can't come to a resolution? Can you share with us some of the things that you would say are just like, you're not going to be able to figure this out or like you have to have a hard line with this particular topic?
I mean, of course it comes down to safety of our children. That is always one of the biggest things. And we sometimes, you know, as first time parents, it can be really difficult because we're trying to figure it all out and we're trying to walk this line of what am I doing? Do I feel okay with what I'm doing? And it can feel really hard. And so anxiety can kick in. And sometimes what we do is we see all of the things that don't feel good. But we want to make a priority around safety.
So while, for example, let's get concrete with some examples, your mother-in-law is
passive aggressive at times. And if that does not feel good, you do not want to pass that kind of communication down in your family, totally get that. When we come back to what's really important to you, is it about the passive aggressiveness or is it about making sure that your child is safe? And if, for example, your in-laws place is not safety-proof, they don't want to do that, or they use substances in the home, or there are all kinds of other scenarios where you might say, actually the safety of my child is not okay. So we're not just talking about passive aggressive communication, we're talking about a non-negotiable.
And I think that's really where couples have to find that line of what feels good for them. And I remember working with one person and there would always be an argument at the family dinner table. And she says, you know, I I, the value for me is for my child to be part of their family dinner and that's fine. And so my husband can take my child and she came to the point of saying, I'm not going to be the one to go to that Sunday dinner every week though. So they can go and do that. And while I don't like the yelling, um, it's not, uh, like it's not directed at my child. And then I know when my child comes home, I'm the one there that's the secure figure for them that can help them process things, that can talk about things, and we can move from there.
I think too there's like this big trend. I don't know if you're on TikTok very much, but it seems like I see a lot of this on TikTok, this discourse about like toxic family members, or you know like narcissistic family members, and kind of like diagnosing of people in your family and then going no contact. Like it seems like that's, I don't wanna call it a trend. Sometimes I'm sure it's very warranted to go no contact, but there does seem to be this, I guess, trend towards going no contact, cutting people off in your family. What do you think about that?
Again, the labels are difficult. So for people listening, let's make this really tangible. You can describe someone's behavior, but it is much more helpful to not use a label. the label puts them in a box and we don't know what their diagnosis is and you might see some flavors of what they're doing but the reason why labels aren't helpful is because then our brain is trained to look for that and when you are trained to look for that it's the confirmation bias we only see that information to confirm what we believe about that person which means we're gonna miss all of the other behavior. So I do encourage people to not use the labels. It doesn't help.
And yes, in some situations, it's very warranted, so I can appreciate that. The no contact piece is really difficult because it really comes from a place of where our values are. So 20, let's go, 30 years, 40 years ago. Even if we go, we were talking recently about my great -grandmother who you know couldn't travel very far because didn't have a car when she was born. Things like that. Community today has changed. We're connected online to people that we care about. We feel we build villages in different ways, not just about family. We're more likely
to move further away from family.
And we're also more aware of these, and I'll use the word toxic, these toxic communication patterns and unhelpful things that people do. And so with that awareness, it leads us then to say, well, what's going to be best for me? And some people are comfortable saying, I need to go no contact because of this person's manipulative behavior or harmful behavior. And then other people, they might want to find flexibility around it, but it's interesting. I think people start to see things as an option. And even when I think about my therapy practice 15 years ago, like this wasn't what people were doing so much, but it has become much more, and maybe it's much more talked about today.
It's much more out in the open that we're hearing about it. So I think people just really need to consider what's important to you and where are some of your limits? Is no contact the only option? or are you maybe trying to find some wiggle room in there? So maybe it's not about having long family dinners at your parents place. Maybe it's now more about going to the coffee shop and hanging out there for an hour so that you still have a connection with them. It's kind of like, let's not get stuck in all or nothing. Let's find some wiggle room in there.
That's really good advice. We're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, I wanna talk about boundaries. We'll be right back.
Okay, so Dr. Tracy, tell us about boundaries, because again, I think this is like a huge buzzword right now. It's like, everyone is a therapist these days. There's lots of therapists who speak about boundaries. What can you tell us about what a boundary actually is, what it actually means and how do you enforce boundaries that are respectful but that feel good for everyone involved when it comes to in-laws and parents in particular.
One of the most common things I hear from people and jump in with me if you've heard this as well is when we say we say things like they didn't respect my boundary and then when I ask them tell me about your boundary and they say well I told my mother-in-law that I didn't want to talk about our sleeping arrangements." And she brought it up. And what I say to them is, "That's not a boundary. That's a request."
When it comes to what the other person can or cannot do, you are looking at a request. And making requests of other people is actually quite challenging because you can't control others. But a boundary is what you are going to do, and it asks the other person to do nothing. So your mother-in-law comes in and she says, "You're still co -sleeping with your child? You'll never get this kid out of your bed." In Europe, you know your boundary. Your
boundary is, "I'm not willing to talk about this with my mother -in -law." And so you do one of a few things.
So this is what people commonly do. One, they start to go into the justifications of why they did this. Well, actually, I saw my GP, and then we talked about this with a the nurse practitioner, lactation consultant, and, and, and, and I follow this really great account. Hey, sleepy baby. We talk about all the things, right? And so then what we're doing is we're justifying our decisions. We have completely watered down what we do, and we are giving them implicit permission to talk about this topic.
In essence, it works. The other thing we do then is we get really rigid and we say, forget it, I'm not going to see this family member anymore. Kind of like what you had just said around cutting people out. That also tends not to work because people, we live meaningful lives when we live connected to what's important to us. And for many people, family is important to you. So creating space and distance also doesn't feel good.
What does a boundary actually look like? First, it asks yourself, who am I talking to and what context am I in? Is this someone who is able to understand information? Is this someone who's open to this type of conversation? Or are they just here to prove their own point and they're not really willing to understand what we're doing? If they're not willing to understand the point, you might not even respond to it. You might say, and then ask about, hey, how are the Leafs doing this year? Going to hockey or baseball or whatever.
Or how have you been doing at that new activity that you've been doing. So you're changing the topic and you're saying, "I'm not willing to talk about that." And it also really says to somebody, just by doing that, it just is this complete stop. I'm not entering into this with
you. If this is someone who is more emotionally mature and can hold space for understanding and is curious and you're also trying to deepen the relationship with them, you might help them understand and say, you know, I can really appreciate where you're coming from. And I love that you are such a good grandma and that you're so involved in what we want to do with our kids. And actually, I don't feel comfortable talking about our sleeping decisions.
That's really good advice. And it's, I know for those listening, it probably sounds so much harder to do this. It sounds easier than done, I should say.
Easier said than that, absolutely.
Because when you're in that moment, I think so many of us do jump to like, oh no, I read this article, or like, I read this study, or look at this, let me tell you all of the reasons why this is okay. And I think part of it is also just like, really coming to a place where you're confident and secure in your own decisions. And then you don't maybe feel as strong of a need to defend
them to someone, I don't know.
And that Rachael right there is why boundaries, like what boundaries are really about. And that is about you feeling centered and grounded in yourself. So I use the analogy of a tree. Imagine you are really rooting yourself in, you've got a sturdy trunk and this is a storm and your tree branches are just gonna weather the storm but you're not changing. You know what's important to you. And if I could go back to my first time self as a parent, I would say,
trust yourself. You don't have to do all of this and I even ended up saying to my in-laws at one point you know I really appreciate that you guys want to give us all of this advice but listen in this day and age we are flooded with information and we don't need advice and parenting advice we we need you to just tell us that we're doing a good job.
And that was a moment where they kind of had this aha moment and have or given us parenting advice since, and unless we ask for guidance, but that was just one of those times where it's like, I need you to see what it's like to be us.
That's actually a great one, I'm gonna steal that, because that's not putting them on the defensive, right? It's just saying, we're already overwhelmed, like just please don't add to it. It's not about like, I don't like your advice or your advice is stupid, or your way of doing things is bad, right? It's not making it. Just from what I hear, because I am very blessed with wonderful and in-laws and parents, not that they are perfect, but they're usually pretty responsive to
what we're doing and our boundaries and they just want to learn more.
But I do hear from other people a lot like there's this defensiveness that comes up where if
you're choosing to do something differently than how you were raised or how your partner was raised, your parents take it as like a direct attack. Like oh, what we did must have not been good enough, or else you'd be doing that too.
Oh, actually, that's not what I said. It's okay that we're doing different things. End it there, right?
Yep.
And it's that sturdiness. It's like, I'm okay. And I don't have to go any further into it. And also too, I imagine almost like this. I often talk about boundaries as having a gate and how much that gate is opened and closed. And so if people or bringing stuff to me, I might decide to
close the gate a bit more. And when people say, oh, but boundaries, like I feel mean about it, here's what I discovered about boundaries.
And it was so interesting because this was actually after having my second child. And at that point, I was pretty confident that I had good boundaries, being a therapist for several years. And then I just realized that I had porous boundaries because I would find myself sitting in resentment towards other people because I wouldn't say no or I wouldn't ask for what needed and that resentment then started to erode at my relationships, at my friendships and so it's why we want to start asserting ourselves with kindness and compassion of course for other people but because then we at the end of the day feel good and that's the most important thing. Our job is not to please others.
Wow. We're going to take one more quick break and when we come back we're going to
talk a little bit more about relationships in general.
So we've been talking about parents and in-laws and all the challenges that come up
with that especially for new parents, but I'm sure that there are lots of people listening who have other relationship issues since having babies as well. What are some of the most common things that new parents struggle with or come to you with? Let's just do some normalizing for people. Yes.
Oh, let's normalize this. I mean, I can tell you that parents have fight about all kinds of things. How to chop a vegetable, that there's a right way to chop a vegetable, to boil water. You know, there's nothing that like a hangry fight when you don't know what to make for dinner and you're both hangry. There's the car fight where one person said, "I thought you told me to go this way and now I'm going that way." And then there's the bedtime battles. There's the boundary battles with the kids. There's the parenting. It is It's a real appreciation to acknowledge that you are bringing two different people together.
You have two different histories and upbringings, and now it's really hard to come together and parent together, especially if what we tend to see where women, mothers are doing all of the researching and reading and investigating around sleep and feeding, you know, what kind of parenting style they want to tap into and their partner tends to like behind so one of the most common things I see with people is we are not parenting in the same way. I talk about this they agree and then there's no follow -through.
How do you fix that? What do you do about that? Like what if you let's just keep going with the sleep example I guess. What if you really enjoy co-sleeping And it works for your kid.
It works for you. You're getting more sleep that way. Doesn't bother you to have them in the bed and your partner is like really adamant that they do not wanna be doing that. They don't feel comfortable with it. They feel like they're disconnected from you now. What would you say in that situation? Like how do you, I don't know. It feels like some decisions it's like all or nothing. Like I guess you could co-sleep part-time I guess and that's like what I've done in my family and it works beautifully, but for some decisions. It's very black and white. There's not a lot of middle ground.
Yeah, absolutely and and I think what we want to get to is what's at the root of some of this and Immediately what you had said in there was around disconnection. I feel disconnected from you. Okay So is it really about co-sleeping? That's leading to disconnection or do we need to be doing other things where you and and I get time just the two of us. And sometimes it's about having that really hard conversation together. And here's the thing that I can appreciate is that postpartum we are sometimes just hanging by a thread and it is incredibly hard to have these conversations.
So I always remind couples, go gently, tell your partner, we're gonna get through this. This is a hard season And that conversation can often be about giving reassurance to your partner and that is around seeing, I know you're struggling right now and I can't wait for us to get back to a time where we are sleeping in the bed every night. But right now for this, then how can we start to build connection in other ways, which might be maybe there's another time.
Maybe there's someone who can look after baby. Maybe it's when baby's sleeping, you
can hold hands or do something else. Like it's all of those negotiations instead of coming into something as an all or nothing. What's the core need here and then how do we try to get that met?
I think that's so helpful. And it's also just like you said, just kind of acknowledging it too can sometimes be really helpful. I remember my husband and I were going through a rough period. I think it was after our second, so it was like COVID as well. It was just like a super stressful time and we just looked at each other one night and we were like, "This is really freaking hard." And like, "This sucks." And like just saying it out loud. So that one of us wasn't wondering like, "Am I the only one feeling this?" Is, "Am I the only one thinking this?" Like just naming that it was a really tough season and that we were excited to come back together when we were on the other side, made such a huge difference.
And you also didn't sit and blame. You didn't blame the other person.
Well, I have definitely done that too, but in that moment, I didn't.
In that moment, right? But in that moment though, and that really is a connector. And it's funny, I think it was two years ago now, sitting on the couch with my husband and saying, like, we're going to get there at a time where our kids don't need us to be here all the time. And we will get to go for that walk on our own. We'll get to go do the thing without them. And we both kind of had that feeling of, we're in this together. And that's what we need to know. We need to feel that sense of connection.
And it's not then filled with contempt, hostility, blame, or shutting the other person out. But it is rather instead having open conversations. And I encourage couples, Rachael, we often tell ourselves we have to go on this big date. We have to get a night out. Get the babysitter. No, you don't. Start by kissing your partner in the morning. Give them more hugs. Start by getting them their coffee or writing them a note or sending them a nice text during the day. There are all these small things that you can do to nurture your connection. We just lose those over time.
Absolutely. And then so what about for those people who are having a hard time sitting in that resentment? Because that is definitely been me too. And that is something that I have
really struggled with throughout our relationship since kids. And it's, it's come and gone in different intensities. But I know so many parents, especially, you know, moms who are primary caregivers and feeling like they're also carrying a lot of the mental load of the household. How can you get out of that loop of resentment so that you actually do want to be close with your partner? Like some people I feel like are just over it, right? And they're like, I don't even care anymore.
It was one of the main reasons I started my Instagram space and wrote my book is because I thought I was the only person feeling resentful at my marriage, even though I was a couple, even though I'm a couple's therapist and I know all the strategies and tools, but I'm at the park resenting my husband and everyone's talking about feeding and sleep and I'm thinking does anybody else hate their husband right now or is it just me? So I just really want to put that into context and normalize that feeling and I really do appreciate Rachael you bringing that up because not many people will talk about this and feel a lot of stigma around kind of this struggle and I think that's changing.
Resentment tells me that one of two things are happening. One is that you are not, so you're not getting your needs met. And that's either because you are not communicating it or because your partner is not meeting it. And I think there is an important element with resentment that we acknowledge how we contribute to that cycle. And René Brown says this so well. She says, "Resentment is the experience where my husband sits down on the couch and I choose to stay in the kitchen and clean. And I think that is so real. And I actually remember this kind of negative wisdom given to me where you can't have all three. Your house clean, a connected husband and your connected children.
And so it's like, what are you going to choose? And for me, that really felt like, you know what, the connection right now with my husband is more important than deep cleaning my kitchen. And sometimes that's a moment-to-moment decision. Or the decision is the connection with myself is more important than cleaning the house right now. And that sometimes means sitting in discomfort because I get it, you know, when I'm an appreciator of having clear counters and I have learned over the years, you know what? It's more important for me to go take that walk for myself because when I'm cleaning the counters, my narrative starts to sound like he never does anything. I have to do everything. It's all on me.
It's like the martyr thing. Yeah, I do that too. Yes, and it's not true except in that moment I am
choosing to do the counters. So if people are feeling resentful, I want you to first ask yourself, what is it that I actually am needing right now and how could I start giving that to myself? And that might mean saying no. It might mean giving bedtime to your husband or to your partner tonight because that's gonna be equally important for you then to have time to take a bath or to go for the walk or just to sit and do nothing.
Yeah last question for you I wish we could talk forever about this because this is so important.
We're just - Touching the tip.
I know, so I really encourage everybody to come, find you and binge on all of your content and read your book. But the last question I have is actually more just parenting related, I guess, or motherhood related. It could maybe be about your relationship, but it's what is something no one told you. So before you became a parent, before you became a mom for the first time or even the second time, what's something that you wish you had been more prepared for?
You did not prepare me for this question. I know we don't tell anybody beforehand.
I love this. What is someone that no one told me? I think it would be about just tuning out the outside advice from other people. That was really hard at the beginning and it was even around sleep as well. When I got there, I thought, "Why didn't I learn this sooner to trust myself? I don't need to listen to others. I can be just knowing that I am a good enough mom even though I don't get it right all the time, even though I'm trying to figure it out as I go and I still am with my now nine and seven year old.
I'm still trying to figure it out every time. But you are good enough and tune out the outside noise. And I know that's tricky because when we, it's almost this like self -reinforcing cycle. It's like, I feel anxious about something. So I go online to try to find the answer and then I see it. I'm like, okay. And then I try to do it and it soothes my anxiety temporarily. And then the next time I feel anxious, I think I have to do it again.
Instead of thinking, you know, you've got the tools inside of you, Trust yourself. You don't have to listen to anybody else.
Tracy where can people find you find your book connect with you all of those things?
My favorite thing is when people send me a DM on Instagram after listening. So if that's you please send me a DM say hello. I'm social I see all my messages and I reply so it would ever stood out for you today. Please let me know because I would love to hear from you and that's my Instagram at Dr. Tracy D. and my website's drtracy .com with all of my resources on there. I've got some great freebies for you as well to check out.
Perfect. I'll link all of that in the show notes. I appreciate you and everything you're doing for couples and families so so much. This is so important and I know that lots of our listeners are probably leaving this episode feeling validated and empowered. So I really, really appreciate you stopping by the podcast today. Have a great rest of your day.
Thanks Rachael
